Thursday, August 13, 2015

If You Try to Find a Dentist...

I’ve noticed that my life usually reads like an adult version of the children’s book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.”

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is a sample:
"If you try to make an appointment for your husband to get his teeth cleaned, you’ll have to go online to find out who is in network and accepts your insurance…
And when you sit down at the computer, no matter how fast you type, your child will poop and forget to wipe…Then he’ll sit down in the hallway and skootch poo across the floor… and then walk in it… and then grab his dirty foot like, “What is this mysterious substance?”
You’ll see it all happening in slow motion and be all slo-mo, “Noooooooo!”
And when you try to lift him--straight armed out from your body, like a 50lb kettle bell--all the while screeching, “Don’t touch me. Don’t rub your face. Don’t kick anything!” he’ll ask “Why?” and do exactly the opposite of what you just said… And then you’ll need a shower too.
But the baby will be crying because he smeared black beans in his eyes… and hair… and inside his clothes and diaper and… ok, it’s everywhere. 
So you'll hose down Poop Boy and toss in Black Bean Boy and wash yourself in the sink… But then you’ll need to get towels for everybody because they don’t like to be cold.
And while you’re getting towels everyone will slip and fall in the tub and wail and fight about who gets to pull up the drain stopper… So you’ll remove the baby and diaper him and use the wet towel as a mop to wipe up poop in the hall (because who has time to get out the mop?)… 
And while you’re moping up poop, your toddler will steal your phone and hide under the bed and take pictures of his genitals, and you’ll have to check every social media outlet to make sure he didn’t make himself into a tiny exhibitionist… Ok, sorry son, a more than average sized exhibitionist.
But no matter how fast you’re looking, it won’t be fast enough, and the baby will manage to get stuck head first in the lego bucket, and the toddler will throw a lacrosse ball across the living room at your computer, your only nice possession, and you’ll die a little bit inside and say, “Now the ball is mine!” 
And everyone will be crying… And you’ll desperately check the clock and realized there are still 20 minutes before nap time, but you'll decide we should all go to bed early. So you'll put the baby in clean dry clothes while he screams furiously at you for ruining his life.
While you're doing that, the toddler will empty the entire contents of your purse and wallet across the kitchen and unspool a whole container of Scotch tape. Just for funsies. And to prove how fast he is at everything.
And you'll say, "Ok. I'm done." You'll dress him and tell him it's bed time but he'll want to sing a song and then he'll want six trucks and you'll need to find them all. 
When the kids are finally in bed, you’ll need to wash all the clothes and towels and clean the entire poop-splattered bathroom.
Then you'll try again to find a dentist for your husband.
But you'll get distracted and write this little ditty because your life is either hilarious or depressing, depending on how you look at it.
But by the time you finish, somebody is bound to have woken up… 
True life. Hand to heaven.

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