Friends... someone let me know that my earlier post "It's Lunch Time and I'm Done" rubbed them the wrong way pretty badly because I didn't put a happy spin on it.
I understand that. It was glum. No denying.
So, let me be clear (and hopefully in being clear, I can also bring light to why I write in the first place)...
I write for myself. It helps me work through feelings. That's why I write MORE when I'm struggling and usually just post happy pictures on Facebook when I'm doing fine.
The reason I share what I write on Facebook is for those of you who need someone to stand up and say, "Yes I have a happy home, healthy kids, safe country, good food, blessed beyond belief... but this day was a DIASTER. It is hard to mom. I just is. No matter what that looks like."
I splash my weaknesses all over the internets so that the isolated strugglers out there know that they're not alone.
I "promote" my experience, not because I think my experience is great. Not because I think you should take a lesson from it... but because I don't want anyone experiencing something similar to feel like they're the only one failing hard all alone on the kitchen floor. I feel like it's bigger than me.
If I have learned anything in the past few years it is that (for me) suffocating a struggle under happy spins will only make it grow. You can't stay in your struggle. You have to work toward bravery and actively pick up your chin. But being honest and leaning into a difficult moment is like diving into cold water. It only hurts for a minute. Then you come up refreshed and you start to swim up stream again.
If it bothers you (anyone out there) or you think it's stupid that I struggle in the middle of my miraculously good life, believe me, I'm right there with you.
I'm learning to accept that maybe I'm just weaker than the average person... and not despise myself for that.
I'm learning to accept my mind isn't as strong.
That my will can be very weak, my nerves very fragile, my energy very low.
Yes, I work against those things on many levels, but I continue to be less strong than many others I love and admire.
I admit that I'm not the steadiest ship in the sea. But I'm still floating. I choose to celebrate that. I think sometimes it's just better to salute the efforts toward strength rather than criticizing the failures. I didn't always think that way... I used to be kind of a judgmental, pious bitch. Now I think just waking up and doing the basics is beautiful! And I think saying "This sucked hard" is beautiful too. Because it's the first step in standing back up.
We're in this together. All different. All the same. Different experiences... same general road.
Sometimes I'll be strong enough to be hopeful.
Sometimes I'm going to be a big mope.
Take what feeds your soul and forget the rest. Because I love you. xoxo