Dude... can we talk about not being enough and how wild it is that sometimes that's exactly what we need to bring to the table?
This week I've been preparing to speak/facilitate at a women's silence retreat.
And honestly I'm all, "Damn, y'all! What do I know about silence?!?!" (PS, Jesus does not mind that I occasionally cuss, because he knows it's in my head anyway. He did create language in all it's many colors. It does serve all kinds of useful purposes. That's all. Ok bye.)
For days and days my sense of Inadequacy was translating into a feeling of Disqualification.
I know no things... therefore I should say no things.
I have no qualifications... therefore I should shut up.
And loudest of all, the voice that says: I'm a fraud. I'm a fake. I'm a poser. I'm a liar.
It's been a struggle FUR REAL.
Surely this opportunity landed in my lap by some horrible cosmic whoopsy daisy!?
Surely I should kindly and gently correct the universe's (read: God's) mistake by turning the opportunity down!?
Surely that would be the better Christian thing to do... humbly admit that I am not enough and step aside?
But here's what keeps calling to me out of the swirling clouds of self doubt...
All I ask is that you show up with what you have."
Are we not waaaay too obsessed with "calling" these days, friends? Heavens!
Are we not waaaay too often like, "I want to do the thing, but I don't want to do the thing unless I know that I'm 'CALLED' to do the thing." And we stop.
We want to be so loudly beckoned onto a particular path and constantly confirmed along the way.
We want to be affirmed and affirmed and affirmed so that we can be fully confident that we have not stepped away from the will of the Lord....
And, Ya'll, I am really beginning to believe that he's like, "Errrm, I'm pretty sure that mostly I just asked you to walk by faith and not my sight. So, could you just... maybe... like, step into the opportunities I've presented with a little more boldness?
Could you just maybe use the strengths you have been given in little ways for starters?
Could you just maybe show up in faithfulness and trust me to take care of the rest?"
Got two fish and fives loaves of bread?
How about we get together and fed 5000 people?
How about at the end of this you stand back and say, "I brought almost nothing... so I know who deserves the glory here. But I brought something! I was faithful to show up. Hallelujah and bless my heart."
All that we have, we have been given. Whatever we are, we are beautifully, wonderfully made and there is a need for our voice, our presence, our smile. However battered. No matter how scarred. No matter how lacking. No matter how bumbling. No matter how small.
Bringing our little piece to the puzzle... Operating in our strengths... That's what it means to have a "calling". It doesn't mean Loud Voice Saying GO! It doesn't mean Everyone Applauding! It doesn't mean the road signs shouting THIS WAY.
It means saying "Yes, ok" to our strengths, and "Yes, ok" to taking them where they are needed.
No matter how uncertain we feel about that "Yes."
Maybe God will call you to say "Yes, ok" once... maybe twice... maybe a thousand times.
Maybe God will call you to say "Yes, ok" and you will become wildly famous for what you do! The names we all recognize. The lives that make us Jelly. Or maybe you'll be totally invisible and only your life will be shaped by your "Yes, ok."
Maybe God will call you to say "Yes, ok" and your obedience will produce vast recognizable results... or maybe it will just mildly brush up against one small heart.
The small is not less. The last will be first. His is a kingdom for the least of these.
The victory is in "Yes, ok."
The beauty is in, "No, I will not waste the light."
The rest is beyond you, dear one.
The results are not your deal.
Pressure is off.
What is my calling? To show up and do what I can.
So, on Saturday that means I will be teaching a bunch of women from the Word of God... and feeling wildly under-qualified and woefully inadequate and waaaay reluctant... but thankful that He equips and He uses and "Yes, ok."