Being Present... Not Blogging

It was "David Is Off" day! Woo hoo! The first one in a long time without commitments to weddings, funerals, community service, yard work, you name it. So as you may well imagine, SUNBURNS WERE GOTTEN BY ALL! No, just kidding. Just us big people. 'Cause we're not bad parents... most of the time.

I was continually tempted to do some thinking/reading/writing... or maybe some problem solving in my noggin... or maybe some plotting for the future.... but then I thought, Nope! I'm going to focus on being Present. When my busy busy flittery fluttery skittery scattery always-working-overtime brain wanted to drag me toward some mental task, I tried to remind myself that:

Right Now is beautiful.
Right Now is precious.
Right Now is the only real thing.
Right Now is the foundation for everything that comes after it... so make it strong. Make it count.

To help me focus on the joys of the day (my toddler leaping into the pool, sharing homemade pickles with friends, nursing my baby under a tree, going grocery shopping by myself) I would say in my head: "Thank you God for this good moment. This true moment. I appreciate it for all that it is."

And now that the kids are asleep, my work is done (well, except for all that laundry. meh. oh well.), and my husband is playing with his newly fixed iPad.... I have a quick minute to tell you....

Being Present is Worth the Effort. It's not lost time. It's not lost work. It dignifies everything. It made today great. And you know what... I think it shows! David actually took a picture of me (which never happens... I'm always behind the camera), and I just look so calm and happy. For that matter, my kiddo looks pretty happy too.

Good day, dude. Good day.

That's all. TTFN!

PART 2: Back Story Continued

Sheesh what a morning! Ok, let's see if I can write this before a kid wakes up.
(It looks like it's going to be kind of a big heavy one. Lots of thoughts... not a lot of funny. Sorry.)

"Throw up your hands like you just don't caaare!"

So, this counselor I went to 4 years ago... (the one who gave me Buddha's Brain)...
It seems valuable to me to mention that this guy was a Christian pastor. He had left the pastoral ministry because he felt he could help more people through professional counseling and psychiatry.

He and I had the same foundational beliefs. We also shared the feeling that somehow the popular/common understanding of Christianity Practically Applied was MISSING SOMETHING when it came to meeting the needs of the fragile and emotionally strained.
Not that the faith or the scripture was lacking, but that we... the culture of "Christianity/Church People" were missing something.
Something had dropped from our vocabulary.
Even with the appropriate tools of truth right in front of us, we weren't using the tools rightly. Somehow, somewhere along the line, in parsing out truth, we had thrown a baby or two out with the bath water. BATH WATER YOU SAAAY?? Picture time!!!

"No! No! Not the baby!"

This has created a great and painful gap in what popular Christianity offers to the modern world.
Even though many prominent figures in the Bible (King David, Paul?) struggled with depression, you have to really dig for clear answers on how to cope with this stuff in a practical way.

--- If we're depressed, we need a way to talk about ourselves that doesn't sound like virulent self-hatred (which is how a harsh retelling of our sin nature sounds to someone who already feels like killing themselves because they are convinced they're disgusting and hopeless).

--- If we're struggling with insomnia, we need TOOLS that go beyond, "Just ask Jesus for peace & rest." Because, while God is involved in our lives, it's pretty clear he doesn't micro-manage the details on the daily. He is in charge of the end, but he leaves it to us to walk the journey.

--- If we're desperately thinking, "I cannot do this daily routine of mine for one more freaking day! It's too much!" then simply answering, "It's what God calls me to" can sting rather than soothe.

--- If you Google "Bible verses related to anxiety", you'll probably get: "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God." Anyone who actually struggles with anxiety will read that and... well... probably have a panic attack.
What if I do all that and God doesn't answer?
What does his silence mean for me... or tell me about him?
How should I pray? Like... outloud? Alone? Does emotion matter? Does length matter?
Does repetition help or does that show a lack of faith, since God heard me the first time?
What should I ask? For it to go away? To understand? To be free? To cope? To die? I give up.
This is all so unclear!
How can I just NOT be anxious? I'm not being anxious on purpose! It's physiological! And so it goes.

You know what hurting people do when they can't get answers and tools they need?
They find it wherever they can... they find it somewhere else.
Why else do you think so many people self-medicate with drugs and alcohol and food and addictions of all stripes?

So we have a choice:  Let hurting hearts find rest with Buddha's Brain (an excellent book)... Or... rattle the bushes of our own sweet faith for the pearls of wisdom we've lost along the way.

It's there!  It's there in our own tradition.... but it needs to be revived and revitalized and rediscovered and reapplied.

OK.... so from here on out, I'll try to focus more on ideas and solutions and less on open questions.

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In other news... I'm really antsy about pressing "Post". Anxiety and fear usually keep me from being so open about things I actually care about in such a broad format. It's easier to be confident if you never put yourself far enough out there to get criticized. It's easier to hide behind light topics and pretty pictures than it is to express ideas which people love to hate. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of a wreck, but I'm trying to let calm and peace rule. I'm trying to overwhelm fear with a thankful heart that I have learned these lessons and they are true even if others disagree.

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Ok, I was REALLY REALLY anxious about posting... I took it down altogether. Tinkered with re-writing. Finally just asked my husband to read it and tell me if I sounded like a loon. He said it's good to go... so here we go... finally, at 9:00 at night!

PART 1: My Journey With Meditation - Back Story

What is this nonsense? --- I've started a personal line of study into Meditation and Prayer. I want to do some writing on the subject to challenge myself to digest the information I'm gathering and be able to speak coherently about it. (You know, so it's not in one ear and out the other.) And also to keep myself accountable to continue with the goal I've set for myself.

I've debated about how to start. I've decided to start with a story. True story.
I'm going to tell my story of how I arrived here... because origins and journey and evolution are important in an topic like this.

(And a teeny weeny yogini with a goofy face, just for funnies to break up text. My first born @ 6months.)

Why this topic? --- I found "Mindfulness practice" on the brink of a mental breakdown about 4 years ago.

I went to a counselor and said, "I totally get why people do drugs to cope with life! My mind will NOT shut up. I can't sleep. I can't relax. I edit EVERYTHING in my head. I'm borderline OCD and getting worse. I am on the brink of breakdown. It's a hot mess up in here."

And my big fear:  "What if this is who I am? What if I can't escape this hell in my head because it's who I am?"

He pointed me toward the book, "Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, & Wisdom." The jist of the book = We can change our brains. We can build "peace" muscles in our thoughts. Neurons that fire together wire together. If our brains are whipping us real good like a rag in a hurricane... we can stop the wind. (Mindfulness is having quite a moment right now, so this discovery is not ground breaking or new... I'll talk more about it later.)

He gave me some exercises. I practiced. And practiced. While brushing my teeth, while driving to school, while laying in bed. And slowly a small space deep in my turbulent brain (and I mean REALLY SMALL and REALLY DEEP) began to hush.
It gave me hope. I could control the situation. I didn't collapse.

Then I had kids. I could NOT control the situation. And I did collapse.
Lost my ever lovin' mind. Total mental breakdown.

(They don't call it that any more, by the way... it's called a Major Depressive Episode. But mental breakdown is a better description... because my mind broke. No ability to operate normally. I had never understood people who said, "I can't get out of bed in the morning" until I couldn't physically get out of bed in the morning. It's real folks. It's stupid and it's weird, but its real. Like a broken leg. Ok that's enough of that tangent.)

Many things worked together to save me, but a yoga class was one of the best tonics for my broken spirit. The teacher would say, "Feel the calm expanse of deep peace inside you. This is your true self. Know that you can return to it whenever you need to throughout your day and your week."

But I was faced with a challenge:  As a deeply committed Christian believer, how could I resolve the friction between the Buddhist thought and practice which were saving my life and the faith that I held to be true? Christianity told me that this peace and light were the antithesis of my nature which was black and sinful and fallen. Did I have to let go of my life-raft to keep my soul?

Hard questions if you are in the habit of taking these things seriously.

I began testing the concepts against doctrine and scripture to see if they could hold up.
What I found was surprising to me... and liberating and life-giving and life-changing... and that's the cliff hanger for tonight folks.

Highlights & Lowlights

These are the highlights of my day!...... Because it's a lot harder to take pictures when the shit is hitting the fan... which is what it has been doing pretty much the rest of the time.

Highlight:  Pickled home grown cucumbers with my own brine & spice blend.

Lowlight:   I totally bit my husband's head off for leaving for work at the exact moment that I had two screaming naked hungry children and no help getting lunch on the table. I didn't say thank you for the things he did... I just complained about the things he didn't do. And I feel bad. 

Not fair. 

Foul on the play.

I'm sorry.

Highlight:  These glowing ruby beauties from the garden. (Actually a friend's garden, because my garden looks like the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree of gardens this year... not enough sun.)

Lowlight:  It took me TWO HOURS to get the baby to sleep... after waking 6 times with him between 12am & 9am last night. After the zillionth time of him waking up, I had this churning rage foaming at the back of my throat. I did not "give of myself" joyfully or with grace and compassion. I growled, "Do you want me to give you something to cry about!?"
Sigh.
Facepalm.
I'm sorry.


I don't think it's fair to just give the pretty pictures without also admitting to the screwed up parts of life. It's really the daily struggle that makes the pretty parts worth it and more beautiful, right?

So, thank you God for the beautiful... and help me God with the ugly.

Learning from Birds

I write A LOT.... far far far more than ever makes it to a public format.

This morning I was looking for some scrap paper to write a grocery list, and I found this scribbled musing instead:

I was watching birds dive off the branches of my pear tree.... free falling a distance probably 10-15x the length of their own bodies, then artfully shrugging their shoulders to catch a puff of air... slowing their descent and lifting their heads to land on the pencil thin rim of the bird feeder. Simple. Effortless.

Then I watched a mama robin chase her giant adolescent offspring out of the overflowing nest.
They ran and stumbled around the yard like they didn't know they could lift off. They looked hopelessly up at their mother who supervised their stupidity like, "Shoot me your traitor! This sucks!"

Even birds are afraid of hitting the ground. 
Built to fly, engineered to soar! But they have to be shoved out of the nest by someone who recognizes their potential.

I'm afraid to leave the nest because I don't know that I have wings. 
I don't know what my wings are for. 
If I knew, I think I could soar. 

Sometimes you just have to try.

Psalm 23 for a 2 Year Old

God is my shepherd...
(Hey! Do you know what a shepherd is? It's a person who watches over sheep so they don't get hurt. Let's imagine we're a sheep... Baaa! Can you say "Baaa!" like a sheep?)
The Shepherd takes care of everything I need.
He makes me nap and rest in a quiet place.
He leads me to a beautiful pool.
He give me my happy heart back.
He leads me on the right road so everyone will know he is a good shepherd to me.
Even though I walk through a very scary place,
I won't be afraid of any bad things
Because I know that God is with me.
God, you will use all your tools to comfort me.
God, you prepare a wonderful meal for me to show everyone I know that you love me a lot.
You give my head a big kiss!
My cup is full of my favorite juice.
I think goodness and mercy will be with me for my whole life AND
I will live in God's good house forever.

(My mother's day flowers... in a big pickle bucket from Chick-fil-A. Love.)

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My grown-up take away today:

"He leads me on the right road so everyone will know he is a good shepherd to me"/
"He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name sake."

God has a vested interest in my outcome. He has thrown in his lot with mine. We're family. How I turn out reflects on how good of a parent/God he is. Just like me and my kids. He'll never walk away because that would make him suck... and he can't suck, because it's not who he is.

Toddler School - Science, Art, Geometry

Toddler school continues....

E painted a "choo choo" blue today. Mommy drew it (made of rectangles, squares, circles, and triangles) and he colored it in. 

When I tried to grab a candid shot he covered it up and shouted "CHEEEEESE". Ham.

Then we experimented with what sinks and what floats.

"Does it float like a boat or sink like a rock?"

He really loved this. Scientific method at its finest. Hypothesize, test, retest, deduce.

xoxo
--Kawa Mama